Trip to the Racetrack

I still had two packs in the truck.  I was low on bread and basic foodstuffs, but there was almost an entire cold pizza in the fridge, so I decided to go to the gas station and get cigarettes, beer, and soda instead of going to the grocery store. 

At first glance the Racetrack didn't look too crowded, but I had to pause for a moment to make a parking decision.  The logical parking space was partially blocked by a case of Natural Light and the open truck door of a late model Ford truck.  I maneuvered to a slightly more obscure parking space. 

I walked into the store and grabbed a 2-Liter of Coca-Cola and then picked up a 12 pack of Budweiser.  I walked up to the queue.  Ahead of me a stocky white trash woman complete with greasy hair, belly protruding through tank top and flip flops was purchasing five quarts of Old English 800.  Behind her was what I presumed was her mate, a younger looking gentleman with a faint mustache, a fitted cap, and a cheap looking but surprisingly unwrinkled black short sleeved button down shirt.

"And two packs of Marlborough lights," the white trash woman said in a shrill voice. 

It was only then that I noticed their child, who's dingy gray clothes blended in with the floor. He was maybe four or five.  Having none and only being one briefly a long time ago, I am not a good judge of children's ages.

The young man said something to the woman which was unintelligible and was in an urban accent. 

"Do you have rolling papers?" the woman asked the clerk.   The child looked at the candy displayed under the counter, but didn't ask for any or touch it.  An unattainable dream for him, I thought.  The clerk began to offer the woman the various rolling paper options.

Another Racetrack associate opened a new register and I walked up with my purchases.  I spent about sixty five dollars. 

Doomed

Don't buy a new house, don't buy a new car, and don't have any children you aren't prepared to sell or eat at a later date.

The FHP is Obnoxious

To Whom It May Concern,

My attempt to go to the grocery store around 8:00 PM this evening was greatly delayed by your DUI checkpoint on US 41 at the Land O Lakes post office.  The checkpoint reduced the normally three northbound lanes of US 41 to one lane and was accompanied by numerous FHP vehicles and fire trucks giving the impression that a major disaster or terrorist attack was in progress and effectively blocking the entrance to my subdivision (Dupree Drive). 

I appreciate the Florida Highway Patrol's attempt to keep me safe from drunk drivers, but please choose another location next time, or at least start the operation after 10 PM when more drunk people are likely to be on the road and the rest of us are not trying to conduct our ordinary business.

Dylan Bright
Land O Lakes, Florida

Dynamic Irrelevance

Sometimes I think no one can ever change anything. Even when people think that they're changing things, the thing was just ready to change on its own and the particular individuals involved were irrelevant.

Yeah this is sort of the Thomas Kuhn "Scientific Revolutions" idea, but it seems like it is applicable on a much smaller scale.

Cavalcade of Products Reviewed (Mostly Beer)

I took the entire week off this week which has afforded me time for both drinking and shopping. I will of course share the results with you now.

#1 Bud Light Golden Wheat

I saw a billboard for this beer on my way to work one morning. I’m normally not a big fan of light beer, since I like beer that tastes like beer, but when I was at my local grocery store I thought “what the heck.”

I thought the first sip was pretty good. The second and third sips changed my mind. It is just another light beer. Light beer usually tastes like club soda with two tablespoons of beer added to it. Bud Light Golden Wheat tastes like club soda with two tablespoons of wheat beer added to it. You cam use that recipe to make light beer yourself at home.

I give it one bottle cap out of five.

#2 Hanes Cushion Crew Socks

I needed socks. They protect my feet, but not as much as shoes do. Most of my white non-business casual socks were all stretched out or had holes in them. This package of new socks didn’t have either of those problems. I noticed something mysterious about the packaging though.

Resealable bag? The socks come in essentially in a Ziplock style sandwich bag. Why? “Oh I’ve removed one pair of socks, let me reseal this package so they don’t spoil.” Do they require refrigeration? No expiration date was listed on the package, but now I wonder.

As socks, they seem to be fine.

I give them one Sock out of two for goofy packaging.

#3 Sam Adams Winter Lager

I guess I just wanted to try a different beer. I am always wary of Sam Adams beers because that Jim Koch guy is a hop fiend. Those commercials where he is “diving into the hops” tell no lies because Sam Adams Boston Lager is like socking on a sack of hops. The box promised “winter spices” like cinnamon or ginger or something.

I thought it was ok. It wasn’t as hoppy as the Boston Lager, but wasn’t anything to write home about. It was sort of a bock kind of thing. If you put it in a fancy glass and stick your nose in the glass you can get a little of that winter spice thing, but taste wise it isn’t that distinct. There’s probably better beer for the price.

I couldn’t come up with a cute or illustrative picture.

I give it three hops sacks out of five.

I Control the Weather

It is raining outside right now and I know why. Scientists may try to feed you some cock and bull story about low pressure systems and high pressure systems, warm air, cold air, and the Jet stream. I know that to be nonsense.

The ancient Greeks believed Winter was caused when Persephone, the embodiment of fertility spent a mandatory six months in the underworld every year part of an arrangement with Hades who had tricked her into marrying him. When she was above ground everything was warm and nice, when she was underground everything was cold and dead. Apparently I am the cause of a similar phenomenon.

When I am at work, shackled to various electronic devices under dim flickering flourescent lights the sun shines outside in a beautiful cloudless azure sky. Birds sing and flowers bloom so long as I dwell in a joyless catacomb of aging office furniture. On the those rare occasions that I am allowed out of the prison of my livelihood clouds gather and the sun flees the sky specifically to avoid me.

I don’t know if the story of Persephone is true. It does sound a bit far fetched, but I have never been to Greece. I do know that around here at least, I make the weather.

My Week Off in November

Anachronism Should Be Annihilated

I can't stand gross inaccuracy in movies that pass themseleves off as "historical." It is one thing to take creative license when it is completely obvious that you are doing so, but a lot of children and dumb people watch movies. I worry that that impressionable minds will wrongly assimilate the ridiculous as fact.

I am not as concerned with the little things. For example in Saving Private Ryan, "When James Ryan destroys the SdKfz 251 with his bazooka, they identify it as belonging to a Reconnaissance Platoon of the 2nd SS Division, which didn't reach the front until June 16 and then only on the Mortain area. Capt. Miller died as written in his grave, on June 13" (IMDB). That doesn't bother me. It is the stuff that would lead to a fundamental misunderstanding of the story of mankind. Tonight I had the misfortune of watching most of a movie called 10,000 B.C., which we can assume from the title is set at that time. It contains what might be the worst history in the history of movies. Here are just a few of my observations:

• Men riding horses - domestication of the horse didn't happen until 4,000 BC at the absolute earliest, riding horses like the ones shown, 2,000-2,500 BC more likely
• Metal weapons - The bronze Age started in c. 3,000 B.C. The Stone age (Neolithic) started c. 9,500 BC, people would have been using the most basic tools at this time and definitely not smelting bronze. The weapons look more like steel to me anyway which would be a further several thousand years down the road.
  
• Stirrups - they were not invented until 300-400 AD in China and didn't make it to Europe until the 7th-8th Century.
• Cloth clothing - Cotton was first used around 3,000 B.C. Linen may go as far back as 8,000 B.C., still at least 2,000 years out of whack.
  
• A freaking sailboat?!?? - Earliest sail c. 3,200 B.C.
• Corn in Africa, WTF? Never mind that they went from mountains in what had to be Europe or maybe Anatolia to Jungle with Bam-fucking-boo to Africa in a very short period of time but then they find Africans with Corn there. Corn came from America. No kernel of corn would reach any of the three continents this movie seems to occur on until the 16th century A.D. at the latest.
  
• Pyramids?!?! - The first pyramids were built in Egypt c. 2600 B.C
• Domesticated Mamoths???!!!??? - Really?
  

This movie is about as factually accurate as the Flintstones, but I worry that it might "look real" to all the ignorant persons of the movie watching public. They may take it at face value as an accurate representation of history.